Aftermath
by hakatri
Summary: Roughly five years after the events of Never say never they are no closer to resolving their past, or are they? (Tos'un Armgo, Sinnafein, OC)
1. Chapter 1

When he feels strong arms winding around his waist from behind Tos'un is instantly awake, but he makes no move to evade the touch. He knows exactly who has come to him tonight.

So it is going to happen again, he thinks bitterly, hating himself for being too weak to actually resist at least inside the privacy of his own mind. The fact that he has been expecting and not even tried to evade this makes it even worse. There was a time when he still said things like: I wish you wouldn't do this and please stop, but he has stopped doing that about a year ago. It isn't like he ever expected it to work anyway. It never has and never will, so he may just as well spare himself the effort.

"You are quite late tonight", he whispers instead still staring ahead into the darkness of his bedroom, unwilling to face the newcomer.

"Were you hoping that I would not come?"

"I have long ago given up on that hope", he answers softly, still not quite prepared to turn around, but shivering helplessly nonetheless as skillful hands glide slowly across the warm skin of his stomach, barely touching, but making sudden heat coil in his stomach in spite of that. The hands are soon joined by soft lips on his shoulder. It is not enough yet to forget, but he knows that it will not take very long until he will arch his back under these hands and lips and plead for more. It never ceases to amaze Tos'un how quickly Jaellien can reduce him to this, make him moan, unable to do anything but feel. How the other seems to know exactly just where to touch in order to have him trembling, powerless to resist. Even if he had ever been in a position to refuse, in those moments Tos'un would not have been able to do it anyway. He hates and craves those moments in equal measure, because then at least he is also unable to think about his betrayal. The guilt and self loathing will come only afterwards, when he can remember again that he is not supposed to enjoy this.

At least he knows that he is not the only one to have mixed feelings about these strange nighttime meetings Jaellien keeps inflicting on him. Tos'un is fairly sure that the blond Mage is still not happy about the fact that he ever started this. It does not mean that he will be able to bring himself to stop though. They are both tied together by twisted bonds forged long ago, neither of them strong enough to break the connection now that it should have become meaningless. The drow suspects that this is hurting both of them, but hurt has ever been part of their relationship, so maybe it should not surprise him that he cannot help but await each visit with a strange mix of excitement and revulsion. At least this is better than being whipped, or so he tells himself. He should already know it to be untrue, but he holds onto that illusion against his better judgement. What Jaellien gains from this he cannot quite guess, but it does not seem to be enough in any case, judging by the hungry yet still angry expression the Mage usually has on his face when he comes to him.

The drow can feel the bed dip as Jaellien momentarily abandons his task of making him shiver in order to twist out of the light robe he was wearing when he arrived. The first time the Mage teleported directly into his bed, Tos'un nearly stabbed him in surprise. On some nights he almost wishes he had really done it. The moment is long gone though and the opportunity has passed.

Finally Tos'un turns around to regard the now naked elf behind himself. His eyes suddenly grow wide though at the unexpected sight of short blond strands which are tumbling chaotically around the narrow face. What happened to the long braid he has grown accustomed to seeing?

"What did you do to your hair?" he blurts out unthinkingly, blinking like a startled deer.

Of course that was the wrong thing to say. Even after almost five years of this Jaellien still reacts to most of what comes out of Tos'uns mouth as if he was being most grievously insulted. It is one of the reasons why the drow still avoids talking to him beyond simple questions and statements of the obvious. And even those can be risky.

"If you don't like it I advise you to close your eyes", the blond Mage hisses back, green eyes narrowing in ready annoyance.

It is so tiring this everlasting, bristling urge to attack at each perceived slight. In moments like this one Tos'un wonders if what he does here will ever be enough. Probably not. If it was there would have been at least some slight change, he reasons to himself. He has honestly tried over the last few years to atone for at least some tiny part of his deeds, but nothing he has done no amount of submission ever seemed to make an impression on the angry elf now in bed with him. It is all so exhausting and he simply does not know what to do anymore. He has no way to stop this, now even less than ever before. What he has let Jaellien do to him also condems him now, because if he had not been guilty, then why would he have let him do it?

If he says something now, trying to explain, Jaellien will just give caustic answers twisting his words and throwing them back at him like stinging arrows. Tos'un knows that because it has happened so often that he thinks he just can't bear it any more. He can take the physical side, the sex, but this constant aggression, this blame and the anger is becoming harder to accept each time. In the beginning they would regularly hiss and spit at each other like enraged cats before falling into bed anyway, but after all these years he has grown weary and it is hard to muster the same anger he felt before. So instead tonight Tos'un tries to do something else. Without saying another word he slowly lifts his arm and slides his fingers carefully through silky, blond hair, watching Jaellien closely for a reaction.

This is not something he has tried before, because doing this, deliberately initiating contact like this, when he his not moaning and writhing mindlessly beneath the other, means more commitment on his part than he usually wants to allow himself. It leaves him open to attack, makes him complicit in the deeds he still wants to deny and forget each day. Up until now he has most assiduously avoided to do anything beyond letting Jaellien take whatever he wants or doing as he is told. There is nothing left though, besides this. He has already tried everything else and failed. It will hurt worse, knowing that he has actively participated in the betrayal of the vows he made to his wife, but if nothing changes Tos'un feels that this will eventually drive him mad. There has to be something which will break through this terrible wall of hurt and fury Jaellien has surrounded himself with.

For a few short moments it almost appears like Jaellien is softening. He seems to lean into the light but tender caress almost imperceptively. Tos'un's rising relief is short lived though, because the green eyes soon harden again and the Mage grips his wrist, pulling the hand away.

"Oh, no! You don't get to control this", he snarls harshly, pushing Tos'un backwards, down onto the mattress. The drow complies, but in his chest he can barely ignore the aching, hollow feeling of another defeat. All he really wants to do is to curl up and ignore the world for a while, but it is not to be. The Mage kneeling above him demands his attention quite insistently, even though Tos'un has to force himself to dredge up the needed interest for the following until he can finally manage to push it all away for long enough to drown himself in physical sensation. He can still feel the anger though, in each touch that sears his skin, in every scratch and scrape of small white teeth on his neck. Somehow he has managed what he had not even thought possible and made things even worse. He almost welcomes the pain as Jaellien takes him more harshly than he usually does. The pain of his body finally matches what he feels on the inside. It seems appropriate somehow.

It does not last very long though and afterwards Tos'un finds himself still lying on his back among the sweaty sheets and rumpled pillows, staring at the ceiling and he wonders fleetingly if his eyes are betraying the aching emptiness he is feeling right now. Apparently they do, because Jaellien frowns at him from where he is standing beside the bed, pulling on his robe.

"What are you doing?" He demands as if this too was somehow Tos'un's fault. "Stop acting like the distressed virgin which I know you're not."

"I'm just tired", the drow mumbles wearily and now he really does turn around and curl away from the other. He is silently asking himself when Jaellien has become the one who is hard and controlled and when he has turned into the weak, pathetic and powerless one. He cannot deny though that these visits, paired with the constant aggression are slowly taking their toll on him. "I'm so tired of fighting. Please just go."

Much to his surprise Jaellien does exactly that, teleporting away without another word.

* * *

A/N: When I was writing this I kind of surprised myself by bursting into tears in the middle of it. While that seems a bit silly looking back, I still hope I managed to put into words at least a bit of what was going on in my head at the time.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Next chapter. And it kind of gets worse before it gets better...

Revelations

Tos'un spends the next day quietly hating himself. It is worse than usual. He thinks that he should not have done what he did. The fact that he has participated even this much leaves him feeling terrible and dirty, unable to push it all away in the light of day, like he usually would. He is almost glad that Sinnafein is going to be away at least four more days, because as much as he misses her, he also does not want her to see his distress. After what he did he probably does not deserve her presence anyway, no matter how he longs for it. Jaellien always picks times like this to approach him and Tos'un suspects that the Mage has somehow devised a way to trace their movements. How else would he know? The thought is uncomfortable and he tries to shake it off, not wanting to think of the other more than he has to. His recent failure still hurts.

The following night is spent tossing and turning. Tos'un has changed the sheets and bathed, like he always does after these nighttime visits, but somehow he thinks he can still smell Jaellien around himself. It keeps him from resting. Maybe he really is turning mad.

When he stumbles out of the bedroom the next morning feeling more tired than when he went to bed Tos'un is greeted by the unprecedented sight of the blond elf sitting very still on one of the four chairs around their sturdy wooden table. The drow comes to a staggering halt, wondering if he might be having hallucinations. Jaellien has never come here during the day after that first incredibly awkward, uncomfortable visit more than five years ago. To see him sit in his kitchen now makes it all more real than Tos'un can bear at this moment. Dark green eyes regard him unflinchingly as he fights the urge to turn around and slam the door closed again to block out this unwelcome situation. Unable to bring himself to say anything the drow merely leans against the wall, waiting for whatever will come now.

"I have been thinking", Jaellien says almost neutrally, watching him intensely.

"About?" Tos'un finally asks wearily, when it becomes clear after some moments that his input is actually expected this time.

"You." Jaellien lips twist into an ugly self depreciating smile. "I do that far too often in any case, I will admit, but this was different. What you did..."

The drow only inclines his head, trying to squash the tiny sliver of hope which is rising inside him again. Hope is treacherous, he is aware of that, but he cannot help himself. He needs this all to end before he falls to pieces. Something has to happen, because they cannot go on like this.

"I need to know", Jaellien says, leaning forward intently, "did you mean it?"

He wishes he did not, but he knows exactly what the blond elf means when he says that. Tos'un can only hope that something will change with his sacrifice, for it will cost him so much. To give so much of himself is exactly what he has tried to avoid for the last years. But it appears that Jaellien will not be satisfied with anything less than that and Tos'un simply has no strength left to fight him any longer.

"Yes", he whispers very softly, already afraid of what might come after such a confession. "I did."

To his great surprise Jaellien actually looks astonished at the prompt answer.

"Somehow I never really expected something like this from you. I hoped for it of course, but I think I never actually expected it to happen", the Mage says after a few seconds, sounding as if he does not quite know what to do with the gift he has just been given. "I may have reacted too harshly, but you surprised me. I thought you were doing that to gain control, because you had finally figured out how much I wanted... I expected you to mock me. Only you never did..."

Tos'un can see how much Jaellien has to force himself to utter this strange almost apology. The way the mage's lips are thinning even as he speaks shows it clearly. He is aware that the other does not trust him. It is more than he has ever received before during the last few years though and the small flame of hope burns on.

"We are too good at hurting each other", Tos'un whispers, still wary of this sudden change in the established routine, but quietly hoping that this will finally be enough. After this he has nothing else left.

"Will you come to Silverymoon? For a little while?"

Even though Jaellien tries to hide it Tos'un can see the desperate hunger in him. It startles him in its intensity, because he has never been able to see it so clearly, overlaid with anger as it usually is.

"You would really want me to do that?"

The request is unexpected to say the least. It leaves Tos'un unsure of what might happen next.

"I have resigned myself to wanting you a long time ago", Jaellien admits, tiredly as if it surprises him that Tos'un has not figured this out for himself. "If you finally offer some part of yourself other than your body then I do not want to share it. At least for a short time. I am selfish enough to enjoy it while I may."

To say that Tos'un is surprised by this sudden admission is quite the understatement.

"I never thought that you would want something like that", he says carefully, already prepared for an angry response, but this time Jaellien merely frowns, rubs his face tiredly and says: "All I got from you during the last years I had to take by force, I don't know why it would surprise you so that once you finally decide to offer something worthwhile, I will take it gladly."

Tos'un only stares at the Mage for a few seconds, as if he has never seen him before. He wonders numbly how much pain he could have spared himself by doing this earlier, but he also knows that he could not have brought himself to give so much without this kind of strain, not until Jaellien had pushed him to the end of his endurance. And it will still hurt. It is not only his wife Tos'un realises now. It is a large portion of what makes this so hard, but there is also the fact that he has never wanted to bare himself to the other, to open himself up so much. It frightens him more than anything. There are parts of him even Sinnafein does not know, parts that Jaellien has already come closer to knowing than any other living being. They are also mostly the parts of himself he does not really wish to look at too closely from his current place in life.

"It is not an easy thing for me to do", the drow admits quietly, bowing his head forward until he can hide his face behind a merciful curtain of white hair.

"If it were so easy, then it would not have any value to me", Jaellien answers with a gentleness that is so unusual for him it almost comes as a shock to Tos'un. "You took so much from me", the blond elf says and his voice carries the sadness and regret of many years, but for the first time there is more sadness than anger. He is getting up now, walking towards the drow, a searching look on his face, as if he needs reassurance that Tos'un will indeed give to him what he has promised by his actions. Only when the other is standing directly in front of him Tos'un can finally bring himself to say something.

"Please...", he does not even know what he should ask for, only that he desperately needs some kind of reassurance if he really is to do this. "I am more vulnerable than you seem to think", he finally pleads without really pleading.

Nonetheless he lets his head fall onto the robed shoulder in front of him, wondering how it can be that he actually feels comforted by the gesture when Jaellien embraces him slowly, a little hesitant, as if searching for the right way to do this. After the long time both of them have spent hissing and snapping at each other in defensive anger it feels strange now to let this happen. It is so very different from their usual encounters.

"You still hide it so well though, don't you?" Jaellien says softly, his warm breath ghosting across the drow's neck until Tos'un shivers.

"Hiding things used to be a matter of survival for the better part of my life", the Tos'un reminds him, speaking into the warm cloth beneath his face. "Even though it seems to cause me more hurt than good now it is not something I will ever be able to let go of entirely."

"No. I guess not."


	3. Chapter 3

Small steps

When he steps into the house he has not set foot in since that fateful evening years ago Tos'un cannot help himself. He looks towards the curtain, which hides Jaellien's private room, where he received one of the most terrible whippings he can remember and he shivers. It proved to him that the mage is capable of just the same level of violence and vengefulness which he himself can achieve with the right motivation.

Of course the blond elf has noticed his look.

"That is not going to happen again", he says, sounding not quite reassuring to Tos'un, but rather a bit like he is trying to convince himself as he speaks. The drow lets it go for now, because he recognizes that there is at least the intention of making it true.

If he did not feel so terrible, Tos'un would have laughed when Jaellien finally leads him into the kitchen only to turn around and say: "Would you like something to eat?" with an almost endearingly helpless expression.

Neither of them really knows how to behave, how to fill this new truce with meaning, but for the moment they both try their best to keep their interaction from deteriorating into angry, barbed comments and insults like it usually does so swiftly the moment either of them opens their mouth.

"I... ", Tos'un hesitates, but he remembers too well how the mage would manage to spoil each and every meal even under threat of severe pain. He never managed to do anything beyond the simple cutting of meat and vegetables to any degree of their satisfaction, so it had usually fallen to Tos'un and Ad'non to do all the actual cooking and spicing. "If you are really..."

"You can do the final preparing", Jaellien cuts in drily and saves him from trying to phrase it as a polite request.

Relieved but not quite trusting that this deceptive sense of relative peace will hold Tos'un merely nods. He is not very surprised to find that Jaellien's cupboards and shelves are almost bare except for a few very basic vegetables, salt and some bread. Apparently the other has not developed any new surprising talents when it comes to cooking. It is very strange to know someone so well but also not at all, he thinks. He notices how Jaellien is watching him out of the corner of green eyes with a certain wariness, almost as if he expects that Tos'un will suddenly turn around at any second to hit him or start to say something cutting and derisive.

Some months ago he might have done exactly that, if only because he hates being stared at and his guilt is lying so heavily inside his stomach already. He should not be here. What would Sinnafein think if she knew? What would she say? It makes him uncomfortable enough that he has to keep himself from squirming, but he has vowed to himself that he will not take the usual escape route this time. He said he meant it and at the time he did, so now he will simply have to follow through with his words, no matter how much he would suddenly like to hide behind scathing comments. It would be easy to provoke Jaellien enough, which is what he usually does, almost without effort. But he also hates it. He hates it and it is slowly destroying him from the inside. There has to be something better than the endless fighting they have been engaged in during the last years.

Tos'un realizes only now, how much of a wall he has also built around himself, that maybe it is not only the other who has been shielding behind their aggressive spats throughout the years. Maybe he has been lying to himself in a way when he attributed all aggressiveness to Jaellien, because while the mage certainly is the more vocal one, Tos'un realizes now how tempting it feels to slide back into the old track and avoid being more open and approachable, no matter how much he does not actually want them to fight again. He only needs to say or do something he knows would cause the blond to hiss at him with the instant anger of hurt feelings. It would end all this, his guilt, his fear of being hurt in a different way. In a way much more painful and terrible to him, because he has never really been taught how to deal with it except in violent retaliation.

"I've never been quite aware of just how hard I have been fighting against you", Tos'un says, traces of his initial surprise still lingering in his voice. Very carefully he keeps his hands and eyes on the carrots he his currently slicing.

"Until now", Jaellien says, sounding strangely relieved.

"I was taught very early and harshly to always guard myself at all costs", the drow admits. "I guess I did not realize how much those teachings have stayed with me even after spending more than two decades up here."

"You also do not trust me, like you would trust Sinnafein."

Tos'un thinks he can detect a little bit of hurt in that statement, but it is perfectly true. You almost killed me, he thinks then, but does not say it out loud, for it would change nothing, because Jaellien knows it as well as he does. There is no good reason for him to trust the blond mage.

"You have more reason to cause me harm."

He has phrased it as neutrally as he could, but Tos'un can sense how Jaellien stiffens beside him in frustration.

"I do not... ", the blonde hisses, old, familiar anger seeping back into his voice, but then he breaks off and only grounds out: "Please excuse me for a moment", before he flees from the kitchen and leaves the drow still staring at a half sliced carrot.

It takes only a few minutes before the mage returns, but when he does he has a determined expression on his face, which tells Tos'un that this discussion is not over yet. Carefully he puts the knife away.

"Besides that first day, when you came here", the mage says tightly, watching him closely as if the answers to his questions will appear in Tos'un's face any second, "when have I caused you any harm in the last five years? What makes you assume that I want to do that right now?"

"I would, if I were in your place."

Jaellien stares at him now, clearly surprised at such an open admission. Honesty can be brutal, Tos'un thinks, but it is true. He has admitted that much to himself over the years, but the blank stare he is receiving prompts him to continue: "You said once that I have not changed at all and in a way you were right. Even though I do love Sinnafein, prefer the life I have now and have even found a certain measure of desire for peace and trust in my heart, if someone was to treat me like I did you I would take the opportunity for revenge if it was presented to me and I would revel in it."

The last is spoken almost like a challenge, but all it does is make Jaellien groan in frustration and rub his face in gesture that is pure helpless aggravation.

"I know that!" he snaps, looking up again. "But did it never occur to you that I. Am. Not. You?!"

He has kept himself from saying it before, but now the words burst out of Tos'un's mouth almost without thought: "You were angry enough to almost kill me! What am I supposed to expect? It's not like you ever stated clearly what you want from me! Besides pushing me into your bed you never did anything but hiss, yell and snap at me at every opportunity."

He can hear Jaellien grind his teeth, but the drow still does not quite understand what frustrates the blonde elf so much. In his mind there is still no definite indication as to what Jaellien might really expect from him, except for the obvious, but that has already come to pass in any case.

"Fine!" the mage yells suddenly, hitting the table with tightly curled fists. "I'll admit it then, because after five years you still don't seem to get it. But if you say one fucking taunting word, if you ever dare to try and use this against me I will strangle you and hang you by your own entrails!"

He hesitates for a moment and stares at the now rigid drow as if to see whether his threat will be taken seriously. Apparently satisfied when Tos'un merely stares back in silent, wide eyed shock he finally continues: "All I want from you, all I EVER wanted, is that you acknowledge me, my worth as a person, not as some toy or tool to play with, use and discard, but as someone you could actually respect. I just want to know that I am worth something to you, that you care damn you. As you might have noticed a single nice gesture from you almost had me break down right there. I really am that pathetic. And yet you never did that before and it always made me furious how you could still be so fucking distant and uncaring except for when I broke your control with sex or pain or if I managed to make you angry, but I could not leave it alone and kept coming back even though it hurt every single fucking time. And now after five years of this I am tired, hurt and lonely and I just don't know what to do anymore!"

Jaellien's voice breaks on the last sentence and somewhere during this half yelled, rambling speech his eyes have taken on a suspicious shine which speaks of tears long suppressed.

"In a way knowing that you love her only makes it worse", he continues before Tos'un can say something in reply to this latest revelation, "because now I am certain that you are actually capable of caring enough. I just hate the thought that you would never give this kind of consideration to me, even after I have already given you so much. It seems that it all had no value at all. My dignity, my pride, all of it meant nothing to you. There were times in my life when I literally lived and breathed for your approval, for the tiniest bit of kindness. And even though I hate the fact, that need seems to have stuck with me somehow on some very deep level I cannot control. There really is nothing I can do about that so I am resigned to it by now. But when you said that you were tired of fighting I hoped that maybe something would finally change, but we are still here, fighting again."

He sounds so lost that Tos'un's heart clenches in sudden empathy, a feeling which is unusual in regards to this particular elf, when he has done all he can to distance himself from the other, to ignore the seeds of compassion which nonetheless seem to have grown somewhere deep inside his soul. What Jaellien just described to him mirrors his own thoughts and emotions in a way he cannot ignore.

"My feelings are not as different as you might think", the drow says softly, looking down on his hands again, because he cannot face the hopeless look in the mage's eyes right now. "But don't you see that what you're asking from me goes against the very things which have been taught to me by my wife, the things you want from me too? I love her, so how can I betray her by granting you what you wish for?"

Jaellien's look at these words is pure misery.

"I'm not asking you to stop loving her", he says hopelessly, dark eyes wide and deep with the pain he usually covers up so well.

"But you are asking me to betray my vows, to hurt her."

A stubborn glint enters Jaellien's eyes as he presses his lips together before he asks the next question: "What if she did not exist? Would it be possible then?"

The icy shiver that runs down Tos'un's back at that question lets him answer more harshly than he normally would, because that is something he does not even want to imagine.

"She is the very reason I care at all", he says coldly, for a moment eerily reminiscent of the harsh master he used to be. The small glimpse of the past makes Jaellien realize for the first time just how different Tos'un behaves in the new surroundings he calls home now. "Without her I would not be speaking to you now, so I am warning you and I will do it this one time only: Do not go there!"

"You said you meant it!"

It is almost a wail, but not quite. There is still some composure left in the blonde, even though he is clutching at the corner of his table as if he would not be able to stand otherwise. Tos'un draws up his shoulders without really meaning to, but forces himself to relax again. The well known feeling of being trapped is uncomfortably at odds with the compassion and want he also feels, but has never allowed himself to acknowledge until now, except for when it was forced upon him by Jaellien. Somehow then he could convince himself that he was not entirely responsible for his own feelings. It was just another way he has been lying to himself he supposes bitterly.

"Yes", he says, now moving towards the other, slowly so as not to startle him. "I did and I do, but I want you to be aware that I will be paying a very high price for it."

When he is close enough Jaellien transfers his death grip from the table to Tos'un's arms and pulls him even closer.

"I'm too far in to stop now", the blonde whispers loosening his fingers a little, but at the same time moulding his body to the drow's as if he wants them to melt into each other. "Please don't hurt me."

The last is breathed into Tos'un's shoulder and neck so softly that despite his very acute senses he is not quite sure if he really heard it. He swallows his sigh, because he is aware that there is enough reason in their past for Jaellien to be afraid. Somehow it also soothes his own fear of hurt though. If the other is so afraid surely he is not planning to attack Tos'un, now that he has finally found the courage to lay himself open. It reassures him enough to lift one hand and stroke carefully along the mages back as if he was trying to soothe a skittish animal.

This time when Jaellien actually seems to melt against him with a small, helpless sound, Tos'un cannot deny the first stirrings of tenderness inside his chest, for he can recognize the tentative, desperate trust in the gesture, which has never been quite there before. It is a new, unexpected facet to the simple, primal want he already knows and it surprises him. So it begins, he thinks, as the tenderness swiftly mixes with the beginnings of sharp edged guilt.


	4. Chapter 4

C

The truth

C

It was supposed to be straightforward and easy, Tos'un thinks bitterly as he is sitting in his kitchen, unsuccessfully trying to mentally separate the last two days from the present. He was supposed to have left his past behind where it belonged, to start a new life here. Two separate pieces with a clean cut in between. Simple. Only what he has now is nothing like that. It is all a huge jumbled mess of clashing needs and contrary emotions he can no longer discern clearly and he is starting to feel as if he is drowning.

How am I going to face Sinnafein, he wonders as he buries his face in two slender, dark skinned hands. He had hoped that with this change concerning Jaellien things would become more bearable. And apparently they have when it comes to the elf. But instead now he finds himself facing a new problem. In letting go of his carefully maintained distance he has also made himself unable to block out what happens between them, as if it was nothing but a dream, some half real part of his life, which he used to be able to ignore when not faced with it directly.

As he is finding out, this state of enforced ignorance is quite beyond him at the moment. Maybe it is because he feels deep inside that it would be too dismissive to lock away the memory of that dark, green look, so full of need and fear but also slowly growing trust. Not really that much yet, but still there. It is something Tos'un can only barely grasp at all, because he has no idea how it is even possible for something like that to be there. Long years ago he might have taunted Jaellien cruelly for such an open show of dependency. But what would have merely amused him in the past, is unaccountably different in the present. Somehow to see it now is precious in a way he never even could have imagined back then.

As much as Tos'un hates himself for feeling it, he cannot ignore his wonder about the fact that the blonde is capable of feeling any trust towards him at all. For now he is still convinced that he deserves it even less than the love Sinnafein gifts him with. Why would Jaellien, who knows him at his worst, even consider showing him any kind of vulnerability? And yet it seems that is exactly what is happening.

The worst thing though is that now, after he has taken a more active role in their interactions for the first time, it is as if he has opened a door inside of his own mind and all the things he had meticulously pushed away are coming back to haunt him. All the possibilities, the memories, everything he has denied himself to even imagine so far.

Tos'un finds himself thinking about how it would feel to grab Jaellien's wrists and pin them down over his head, to have the other breathless, pleading and squirming beneath him like he used to when they were still Master and slave. What would the mage do now if he took a strip of cloth, blinded him and left him tied and helpless? Would he try to struggle? The drow shivers slightly at the image only to groan in dismay a moment later. He rubs his face with both hands and drags his fingers through white hair, as if he could erase his own thoughts.

Unable to sit still any longer Tos'un jumps up, driven by the need to get away from the images inside his own head. It is of course an impossible task. His urges only send him pacing restlessly through the kitchen until that too is not enough any more and he leaves his home altogether, taking his blades to the woods to train, in the hope that he will be able to distract himself from thinking anything at all.

Not even that helps though, as he has to discover almost an hour later, breathing hard and covered in sweat from his futile exertions. With a heartfelt curse Tos'un throws his blades harshly down onto the soft, churned ground.

"You know you should not treat a trusted weapon like that", a soft, musical voice admonishes him from his right and the drow whirls around to discover Hralien standing between two trees which mark the entrance to the small clearing he has chosen for his training today.

"Don't tell me what I should do", Tos'un snaps back, suddenly unable to contain his anger, although it is mostly aimed at his own inability to find any kind of peace within his mind. Normally he would not be so aggressive, but normally he does not feel quite so helpless and disgusted with himself. Hralien merely raises a thin black eyebrow and tilts his head to one side regarding Tos'un curiously for a few seconds.

"I correct myself", he finally says evenly. "You probably should not touch a weapon at all if you are feeling as unbalanced as you appear right now."

Fingers of ice scratch down Tos'un's back at these words. If Hralien can see it after a mere glance, there is no way he will be able to hide this from Sinnafein. His first instinct is to turn around and flee, but the drow is aware that Hralien will not just let him walk away without some kind of explanation. So he does the next best thing and abruptly turns his back on the black haired elf, trying to compose himself as much as he will be able to. It is a very telling gesture in itself, but he simply cannot bring himself to face the other elf right now.

"I have never seen you so upset without cause", Hralien says, slowly coming closer. "But until now I thought that you would know to talk to someone, even if Sinnafein is away right now, the rest of us are still here."

"Sinnafein is the last person I want to talk to about this!"

The words are out of Tos'un's mouth before he can think better of it. When has he become so careless? Is it because he usually trusts Hralien? Probably. But can he trust the other with this? It seems he will soon find out, because Hralien's gaze has taken on a probing quality. He is walking around Tos'un until he can look the drow into the eyes again. It was not nearly enough time for Tos'un to push away his feelings, like he wanted to. He looks down, still trying futilely to hide his inner turmoil.

"Come with me", Hralien commands more than asks. He has found out years ago that sometimes Tos'un reacts better to clear commands than to kindness, almost as if he cannot bear or trust a show of sympathy at certain times. It works today too. The drow gathers up his two swords from the ground and follows Hralien silently as the pale elf walks back to his home, where he makes Tos'un sit down and puts a cup of hot tea into his hands like he usually does on occasions like this one.

It is not the first time he has come here with something weighing on his thoughts, Tos'un knows, but he has never feared the consequences of speaking his mind as much as he does now.

There is no way to evade Hralien though. Not now when he has already let the other see that something is so clearly wrong. He could lie of course, but somehow that would make it even worse, because then he would not only have betrayed Sinnafein, but also Hralien who is the one who made it possible for him to be here at all, who has always supported him, despite all the risks and suspicions which come with his drow heritage.

Tos'un is aware of all that, but it still takes him a long time before he can bring himself to begin.

"Do you remember the group of mages and engineers from Silverymoon that came to help you with your embankment dam?"

Hralien regards him curiously, obviously surprised at such a seemingly random question about something which happened so long ago.

"Yes, but that was years ago..."

Tos'un gives a strained nod, still wishing he was somewhere else.

"One of the mages, a young elf, he left early in the second morning, before anybody else."

This time it takes a few seconds before Hralien can remember and even then he comes up with little more than a blond braid and unclear pictures of a slender body draped in the usual wizardly robes.

"I do not remember him very well", he admits, unsure if this is what Tos'un needs to hear. Especially when a pained grimace suddenly twists the drow's face.

"Well I did", Tos'un says bluntly, staring determinedly at nothing. "He used to be our slave, back when I was still with Kaer'lic and the others."

They both remain silent for long moments, while Hralien considers what he has just been told and Tos'un stares at his lap in stubborn, tense expectation of the others judgement.

"Has he hurt you?" the pale elf finally asks, unsettled when Tos'un gives a short, harsh laugh at that.

"He did nothing I did not deserve", the drow says grimly, not reassuring the frowning Hralien in any way.

"But he did something."

"He... not at the time no, but now he wants something that is within my power to give, but..." Tos'un shivers, pressing his lips closed before he finally makes himself continue. "And he does deserve it... I think or he should, but...", the drow groans now angry again, at himself. "I'm not being very clear", he says bleakly.

"What he wants from you would hurt Sinnafein", Hralien says, fairly certain that this must be the case from the bits and pieces he has been given until now.

"I'm quite sure it would, yes." Tos'un seems to slump where he sits, defeated and lost. "I don't know what to do", he admits.

"You harmed him when he was in your power", Hralien states more than asks, carefully keeping his voice neutral, devoid of any judgement one way or another, despite his personal distaste at the images the thought evokes in his head. He is still aware of the fundamental changes Tos'un went through after he brought him here, even though he thinks that most of his clan have managed to conveniently forget about that by now. But then he has been the one to whom Tos'un came most often, when he felt he could not ask Sinnafein about certain things.

"Yes." This one word, spoken so softly as to be almost unheard, only confirms Hraliens quiet certainty. "If I am to obey the rules you taught me, then I owe him more than I can ever hope to repay."

"But you also owe Sinnafein your loyalty."

"Yes", Tos'un agrees, his despair almost palpable. "I am trying to do the right thing. I want to, but I don't know any more what is right in this."

"If you were anybody else, then I would have no choice but to banish you", Hralien mutters, speaking mostly to himself, only realizing the effect of his words when he sees Tos'un's face turn ashen. "I'm not going to", he says quickly, but with little success in calming the frightened drow. "It would be the height of hypocrisy if I did that. I knew where you came from when I took you in and I was aware of the risks." Hralien sighs. "I only wish you had talked to me before things got so out of hand."

"Sinnafein knows about our shared past", Tos'un chokes out reluctantly, but somehow unable to stop himself, now that he has finally started to reveal his secrets. "She has known since just after that first time we met again. It was her idea that I go and try to talk to him shortly after. That did not go well though."

"What happened?"

Tos'un has to give his friend credit for the admirable show of neutrality he is currently putting on, because he is well aware of just how much Hralien usually despises the things he must know Tos'un has done to Jaellien.

"As I said, I let her convince me to go to Silverymoon and talk to Jaellien. After she left us we only ended up shouting at each other though until I was stupid and reckless enough to let him chain up and whip me."

Hralien carefully notes the haunted look in the drow's eyes as he tells him that, but does not comment yet.

"I would probably be dead now if there had not been this strange friend of his, who stopped him eventually."

"But you still feel you owe him something?"

Tos'un looks up suddenly, almost startled by the surprise in Hralien's voice.

"After all the times we humiliated and tortured him for fun during the seven years he spent with us, yes. I do."

The drow appears so certain of this that Hralien shivers inwardly when he thinks on what that boy must have gone through, but still he does his best not to let it show.

"And yet he said he only wants me to acknowledge him, to care", Tos'un says sounding faintly disbelieving, as if he cannot quite understand it.

"Or he just wants to destroy the one thing that has the most value to you", Hralien grits out more harshly than he intended. For a moment he is amazed at how protective he suddenly feels. After a short look of pure surprise Tos'un astonishes him by laughing. It is not really a happy laugh though, more an even mix of painful humour and cynical mocking.

"You know, there was a time when that would have been the very first thought in my head", the drow says finally. "I don't think that is the case though. It would have been very easy for him to achieve that years ago, before I even knew that he still lived, but he has never made any move in that direction."

"Still", Hralien says, "he must have been quite angry. Enough to attack you like that."

"True, but he has had ample time during the last five years to be angry at me and I am quite certain that he still is, but I really think by now what he claims to want is actually the truth underneath all that anger."

Especially when he has also been unable to keep his hands off me during all that time, Tos'un thinks rather cynically, but does not say it out loud, because he is painfully aware that this sentiment goes both ways. Unfortunately Hralien seems to realize as well that there is something missing from Tos'un's tale.

"And what makes you so certain? The way you say it I almost suspect you have talked to him again, recently and he only told you then. What brought on this change of mind?"

This is the part Tos'un would most dearly love to skip, but just like he owes Jaellien, he owes Hralien too. Honesty is not something which is negotiable between them.

"I did", he says, not quite able to admit the rest yet.

"You might want to elaborate on that", Hralien replies, uncertain what that short cryptic statement should mean to him.

"During the last years, whenever Sinnafein was away he would come to me at night." Tos'un forces himself to look up from his lap at the pale elf in front of him, because this is important. "I let him take what he wanted, because I was afraid that he would tell people about the horrible things I did to him if I refused."

When Hralien draws in a sudden breath and opens his mouth to speak Tos'un stops him with a hard glance and a shake of his head.

"I know what you are going to say now, but it was not quite like that. I had always liked to take him to bed before and the interest was... is still there, but I think I would have been able to stop myself for Sinnafein's sake. He did leave me no choice though and a part of me was almost glad for that, even though I never really admitted it to myself until a few days ago."

"What happened a few days ago?"

Tos'un can already sense the storm brewing behind the dark blue eyes of the other and wants nothing more but to cringe away from the force of it, but he needs to finish this first.

"We would usually argue and fight every time before he bedded me anyway. It seemed to be a never ending circle and I felt that I just could not bear it any longer. Yes, I let him take whatever he wanted, but I never really gave anything. I did my best to just ignore it all, to put as much distance between us as possible, but that became harder the more time passed and he was always angry, always... nothing I said provoked anything but spiteful replies. So after I had run out of anger myself I finally stopped saying things and did something instead. I gave in, because I could not go on like that. But now I feel terrible and I don't know how to face Sinnafein any more."

It is not so very surprising when Hralien's hand meets his cheek with a loud, painful crack just after the last words have been forced over his lips.


End file.
